So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
