see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
