i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
