He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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