Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
