why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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