Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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