please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
