It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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