what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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