Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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