chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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