If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
