Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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