I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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