okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
false alarm, still single
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