I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
