totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
