I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
