omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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