Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
