I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
