Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
