my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
