there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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