Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
