best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize