just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
