he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
