When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
