funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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