im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
