Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she woke up with a sticky ear
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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