So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
