dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
