There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
