You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
