Can i not drive my cunt home
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
