Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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