I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
