the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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