I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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