Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
