I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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