Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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