No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize