Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize