You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
