i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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