I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
