I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
