thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
