you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
