I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
