just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
