pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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