so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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