I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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