Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
