Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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