some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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